Veteran Investigation Services(VIS)SM
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It happens and it really stinks. You've been married for years and suddenly you find yourself attracted to somebody else. Maybe he or she works in your office; maybe you even met them at church. A long conversation turned into a test-flirt that got rewarded and then the touch of a hand and pretty soon you're talking about how to navigate some pretty serious deception. Maybe you never thought it would go this far or you planned on stopping it before it reached this point but … you didn't and now you're cheating on your spouse.
Feelings begin to take hold based on a host of reasons, and some of them are purely biological. Some feelings are as light as the common cold, some as serious as a fatal disease. The problem is, the longer you follow the feeling the more the brain becomes awash with an "insane" logic that seems to make sense. Many feel like their brain has been awakened and their spirit revived, yet while bearing the tsunamis of guilt and shame.
Developing attraction or romantic feelings for someone other than your spouse happens in almost every relationship. Hopefully it's rare, but it's normal. Pursuing those feelings, however is harmful and incredibly destructive to people you care about. The irony is that while trying to bring love to that new person, you actually bring them harm. The pursuit involves hiding, manipulation, and lying; the very things you will later despise in yourself and distrust in the other.
If you have children, you're not present because you're spending every possible moment with the affair partner or obsessing about the next time you can. And then there is the 5 to 6 years of living hell you go through after you're found out, even if you don't get divorced. You may not have gotten into it on purpose but that is how you get out of it; on purpose.
When we begin to develop feelings for somebody else, it's a great indicator some serious attention needs to be paid to our marriage. If you've not acted on anything, shut the inappropriate relationship down and be intentional about finding the spark in your marriage again. If this sounds extreme, imagine your spouse's response if they knew what was going on.
If you're already having an affair, you probably feel terrible but are having trouble stopping and have no idea what to do.
We know this is extremely painful and want you to know some things you can do:
1. First of all come to terms with the fact this is going to be difficult and it's going to hurt, but there will be life again.
2. Open up with God and own everything that you've done. When I confess without excuses I begin to feel God's mercy.
3. To walk away from an affair you need to know something you are walking toward; something that is more important to you than that which you are afraid of losing in yourself when you leave. For instance if you felt you could only be your "real self" with your affair partner, walk through the fear of doing that with your spouse now. Yes, it may shake things up but not any worse than having an affair.
4. Talk to a counselor, a trusted pastor, or a real friend and ask for help now. This will make an immense difference and you will feel relief. A trustworthy person can help you do what you probably won't do alone.
5. My guess is you have stopped being honest with your spouse about what's not working in your relationship and you fear the conflict, or the silence, if you are. Consequently, you have taken your real self and real needs out of the marriage and that's a problem. This is where a counselor can create the safety to help you be honest and to hear each other.
6. If you don't learn how you are contributing to the problem, you will repeat it. Each of us brings our own wounds to the marriage that impact it much more than we can imagine. Invite your spouse to tell you how you contribute to their hurt and loneliness and then listen. It is amazing how people can drop their walls when they feel heard.
7. Stop deceiving yourself and others. When we are in the middle of a deception, we have usually told so many lies that we don't know how to get back to the truth. The beginning of honesty with others is to first be honest with ourselves.
8. Let the pain that you feel in the absence of the affair partner call you to take a step into the mystery of God's very real and inexhaustible love. This is not just religious babble. A short book by Henri Nouwen called The Inner Voice of Love is very helpful with this.
9. Tell your spouse the truth. I know this brings you panic because you have no idea how it will turn out. A counselor or experienced pastor is invaluable to help with this.
10. Stay humble and repent through the backlash. Defending yourself or blaming only fuels more anger and increases the chance that you'll actually believe your defense.
The only thing that can make this situation worse is to heap on more deception. The truth just needs to come out and be dealt with. This is going to cost you and those you love a great deal, but dealing with it now and being honest will be the first step in reestablishing broken trust. Getting caught is going to make it much, much worse. If you walk through this honestly and humbly, you will uncover the meaning of integrity and will find you like yourself better, as will others.
A couple things before we start: First, to make language simpler, I'll refer to the cheater as "he" and the betrayed spouse as "she." If you want to switch the genders, simply hold your computer up to a mirror. (Admit it, you almost did it, didn't you?) Also, I want to take children out of the equation. I don't do this because children are irrelevant—quite the opposite—but because, if they exist, I believe they are the most important consideration.
The jilted spouse should take of her kids (and any other obligations) in what she feels is the right way, and then take care of herself—and that's what I want to focus on. (The point of this post from an ethics perspective is that while most ethical systems are very clear about what not to do, they are often less clear about what you should do, especially for yourself.)
It will help to distinguish between two cases. In the first, the cheating spouse leaves the marriage, whether to be with the other woman or not, and the wife (now ex-wife) must deal with the aftermath. In the second, he stays in the marriage and the wife must consider her options, both within and without the marriage. I'll discuss the second case first, because if the wife does leave her husband, she'll be in a similar place as the wife who is left by her husband, so we can discuss these together at the end.
If the husband does not leave his wife, but instead stays in the marriage (and presumably ends the affair if it was still going when discovered), then the wife must decide whether to stay in the marriage. Since her husband did break the "forsaking all others" part of the weddings vows, in a sense she has no obligation to continue in the marriage (since he already violated it). Nonetheless, she may not feel that way; in my earlier post on divorce and adultery, I argued that from the potential cheater's point of view, divorce may not be the "honorable" option if he places a high value on the commitment or relationship itself.
Of course, this goes for the jilted spouse as well. If she places a high value on the relationship—on the "for better or for worse" part of the vows—then she may choose to stay married to the adulterer. Her task then becomes trying to deal with or get past the adultery, which we'll see is a common concern with all the cases we're considering, except in this case she must do so while married to the man who cheated on her (which I can only imagine will make reconciling herself with the adultery more difficult, and make therapy all but necessary).
If the wife feels that the marriage has been ruined, damaged beyond repair, or even if she simply has no desire to try to stay with a man who betrayed her trust, then she can leave her husband—certainly few would begrudge her this choice (absent children, remember). If shes does leave him, then she is in the same place as the woman whose husband leaves her, except for one important difference: the first woman chose to leave, whereas the second was left. Being left by the man who cheated on her only serves to compound the offense, including any harm to her self-esteem (already damaged by the affair). But if the woman leaves on her own initiative, then she has taken ownership of the situation; no longer is she letting the man steer their relationship, and she is taking charge of her own life.
But regardess of which spouse left first, the one cheated on has to deal with the aftermath, and I don't think there's any one best way to do this (though some of my fellow bloggers, especially those who are therapists, may disagree). Some may need to confront the memory (and perhaps even her ex-husband) directly in an attempt to achieve closure; some may need to forget and put the experience past them; and some may need to forgive as well as forget.
The general point is that she must do what is best for her; her only obligation at that point (ruling out children) is to herself. Not only in this common sense, this is also consistent with almost every school of ethVIS. Most versions of virtue ethVIS stress living a good, fulfilled life in action, which includes taking care of yourself as well as others. Kantian ethVIS (a variant of deontology) stresses duties of oneself alongside duties to others, particularly duties of self-respect and development. And utilitarianism, which asks every person to maximize total well-being, includes the person herself in that. It is not selfish (in the negative sense) to take care of yourself; it is only selfish if you ignore other obligations to do so.
So these ethical schools agree, wonderful—but what do they say to do? That's the hitch; none are very clear on that point. But I consider that to be a strength, not a weakness. While moral prohibitions are strict by their very nature—do not kill, do not steal, and so forth—moral "encouragements" are more general—help others and yourself. It's easy to say what not to do, but much harder to say what to do instead.
And this is because what to do instead depends on what is best for you: on your needs, your goals, your desires, your strengths and your faults. If you need to forget, then do what you need to do to put the experience behind you: connect with friends, meet new people, join a group, start or revisit a hobby, etc. If you need to forgive, then forgive (perhaps the help of a friend or therapist—or this post). If you need to move to a new town and start a new life, then do that. No one knows what will work for you better than you (maybe with the help of family, friends, or a therapist), certainly not moral philosophers, who can only offer generalities. And that has been a constant theme in all my posts dealing with ethVIS: it cannot provide firm answers, but rather offers you frameworks for using your judgment to find answers consistent with your own moral character and integrity.
So if you've been cheated on, and assuming you're taking care of those who depend on you (such as children, older relatives, etc.), then your primary obligation is to yourself, and I can't tell you how to do that (I just hope you do!). The only specific advice I would offer is to learn from the experience. By all means, don't dwell on it, don't ruminate, and don't beat yourself up. But after some time has passed, and some of the pain has healed, take a moment to reflect, either by yourself or with the help of a friend, and see what you can take from the past to make your future better, and come out of it a better person.
Divorce can be a dirty business when in the hands of lawyers who play power games to gain an unfair advantage over the other side. The same applies for angry, vindictive soon-to-be ex-spouses who have a "win at all costs" attitude. If this happens in your divorce, there are few things that you can do to control the other side, but there are several things you can do to prepare and manage the divorce.
The first thing to do is recognize a scheme and power play when you see it. The second thing is to not lose your cool and try to fight fire with fire. It will only cause things to escalate and your entire family will suffer. The final step is to think ahead and plan positive steps to counter your spouse's power game. Get outside help if necessary.
The following list has descriptions and examples of some of those nasty tricks lawyers and their clients will sometimes pull. If your lawyer recommends that you do this, he or she is setting you up to take unfair advantage of your soon-to-be ex-spouse. If you do these things, don't be surprised if your actions come back to haunt you after the divorce!
1. Take the money out of jointly held bank accounts, put it all into an account in your name alone and don't tell your spouse about it beforehand. Then let your spouse handle the problems associated with covering the bounced checks. This causes the most confusion and distress if your spouse usually writes the checks to pay the household bills.
2. Use credit cards to purchase and stock up on personal items or make large purchases. Make sure to use the cards for which your spouse is the primary cardholder. This is especially effective at the beginning or near the end of a divorce. One lawyer actually told her client to go out the day before the settlement hearing and use her husband's credit cards to purchase all the items she needed to set up her new household. Her husband would then be stuck with the bills because he had agreed to be responsible for the debt on his credit card as of the day of the divorce, which he didn't know contained the charges made by his wife.
3. If you have moved out of the family home and are the primary source of income for the family, refuse to pay any household bills or send any support until you are forced to do it by the court. This is one of the steps in a routine called "Starve Out The Other Spouse". The goal is to get the other spouse in a financial position where he or she, out of desperation, will accept an unfair settlement.
4. If your spouse doesn't have an income withholding order, wait until the latest possible day to pay support money, even if you've got the money to send. In some states support doesn't become delinquent until it's 30 days past due and your spouse can't do anything to you until the 31st day. Never mind that your spouse just might need the money to pay bills or buy things for the children.
5. Petition the court for primary custody of your children when you will actually agree to a joint custody or visitation arrangement. The real purpose for the request is to strike fear into the heart of your spouse and use it as a club to get your spouse to give up on something else, usually a financial issue.
6. Refuse to speak with your spouse about anything, including arrangements for him or her to have parenting time with your children. This falls into the category of a tactic used by some lawyers to create conflict, create issues that don't need to exist, increase legal fees and wear the other side down. It can also cause a serious break in parent-child ties if the non-custodial parent doesn't get to see the children because he or she can't set up any parenting time.
7. File a bogus petition to have your spouse excluded from the family home under your state's protection from abuse laws.
8. These are just a few of the sneaky things that can and have happened in divorces. They are sometimes successful, but are very destructive to any meaningful and fair settlement negotiations. In addition, the residual hard-feelings and bitterness they can leave after the divorce could hamper you and your ex-spouse's ability to effectively co-parent your children. What's more, they often lead to post-divorce legal proceedings costing additional and unnecessary legal fees which most recently divorced people can ill afford.
Getting a divorce is really just a risk/reward type of thing for some people. Is the risk and potential loss if you get caught by your dirty tricks worth any potential benefit, financial or otherwise, that you might get if you win the game? Think about it? Are you really the winner -- or are the lawyers the real winners?
Recently I attended a baby shower, and among the silly games and exclamations of "oh isn't that just adorable" there was the inevitable discussion of what the couple was doing to prepare, including which preparation classes the couple had taken. I started to wonder, why is it that we expect new parents to take classes and read countless books to prepare for the newest change in their lives and relationships, but we do not have such expectations when a couple is preparing for another huge change in their relationship: marriage? Why isn't marriage prep more common for newly engaged couples?
The benefits of marriage preparation are substantial; a study published in 2006 by Scott Stanley, P.R. Amato, and Howard Markham out of the University of Denver showed that couples who participated in pre marriage counseling had a 30% lower divorce rate. Whenever possible we prepare for the big changes in our lives, so it's worth asking, what are the benefits of pre marriage counseling?
1) SKILLS
Skill based marriage education provided in pre marriage counseling gives couples the tools they need to navigate the ups and downs of their relationship. Marriage is, after all, one of the deepest and most fulfilling partnerships one has in life. In order for this partnership to function on a daily basis, as well as the long term, couples need skills to navigate the ins and outs of sharing a life together.
2) SHARED VALUES
Pre marriage counseling gives couples a chance to sort through underlying value differences that may not become part of the discussion until children, in-laws and other big life decisions come to pass. Early stages of relationships are often filled with excitement and romance, potentially keeping couples from delving into what can be more difficult discussions around spirituality, raising children, blended family challenges and lifestyle choices. Knowing your values align will avoid any potential surprises down the line.
3) MUTUAL EXPECTATIONS
Couples often think they know their chosen partner well. That is until bigger questions around roles within the household, child rearing, and bread winning responsibility lead to the potential for a disconnect. That isn't to say that these issues all need to be on paper before the vows, yet the more you understand each partners' vision for the future the easier it will be to navigate those decisions later on.
4) STRONGER BOND
Couples who participate in pre marital counseling have an opportunity to create a stronger bond as they develop new communication skills. Couples who are able to talk openly about feelings, thoughts, ideas and expectations often experience a more intimate and trusting bond.
5) AN OUNCE OF PREVENTION
The best time to learn skills and develop positive habits is when you feel good. Couples often seek help after periods of dissatisfaction and after a build-up of negative feelings. It can feel like an uphill battle and while it is absolutely never too late, why not get a head start with a solid footing? Preventing painful arguments through strong skills and collaboration is the key to success and a calm climate for your marriage to grow in.
Couples spend a great deal of time, energy, and money planning and executing their dream weddings. Shouldn't some effort be put towards ensuring a long lasting and fulfilling union? Pre marriage counseling doesn't have to be expensive or time consuming, online alternatives like poweroftwomarriage.com offer an easy way for couples to start working on the skills and tools today that will carry them through a long a loving marriage!
s with most pastors, I've performed a fair number of weddings. Part of being in ministry is helping couples enter the most important of relationships…marriage. It's a daunting task and responsibility. Prior to a wedding, however, a minister has access to speak into a couple's life in a way unique to any other time in their life.
I feel it's important to help couples, as much as I can, be prepared for marriage. With time always at a premium, I frequently suggest couples walk through the book "Preparing for Marriage". I've found it a helpful tool in thinking through many of the issues a marriage will encounter. I also try to make sure, as a minimum, the couple understands a few key principles prior to their wedding day.
Here are 7 issues I try to teach in pre-marital counseling:
You are different –
Opposites do tend to attract. Each spouse is not only differently physically, but there are differences in backgrounds, outlook on life and the way to approach a situation. This is not intended as a curse against marriage. God designed those differences for a reason. The more a couple learns to celebrate those differences, the stronger a marriage will become. (I address this issue in previous posts HERE and HERE.)
Leave and cleave –
Don't let either set of in-laws dictate how you lead your new family. Decide in advance that no one, related or otherwise, is going to be a wedge between you two. Every couple has lots of other relationships, including perhaps children someday, but none of them should be allowed to interfere with the oneness God intends to create with the marriage. (I address these interferences more in THIS POST.)
Expect surprises –
Life won't always be as blissful as it is today. There will be hard days, whether self-induced or life-induced. Life brings changes and those times have the ability to catch even the best marriages off guard if not prepared for them. We can never be fully prepared for what might come, but we can prepare ourselves that when something comes, whatever it is and no matter how hard it is, that we will handle it . Couples should use these times to improve the strength of their marriage rather than allow them to pull the marriage apart. (I talk about this issue in a post on keeping the marriage fun. Find it HERE.)
Make a commitment to the marriage no matter what –
Couples usually assume they are doing this by standing at the altar together, but statistVIS would say otherwise. Many times these days a person is saying "I'm committed until it becomes difficult or until the love we have today fades." That's not the Biblical picture of marriage God designed. Marriage is more than simply a feeling of love, it is a commitment to love…for better or worse…from this day forward. Verbalizing and agreeing to that on the front end, and continuing to remind yourself of that through the difficult days, will help the marriage last. Couples who should ask for help soon, not letting problems in the marriage linger too long without asking for help. Remove the fear of asking for professional counseling if necessary. It would be better to get help early than to see the marriage disintegrate beyond repair. (I preached a message on the commitment of marriage HERE.)
Model after the right couples – I encourage couples to find a couple whose marriage they admire and follow them closely. Most likely they have some stories to share. Things may not have been as wonderful throughout their marriage as they are today. No doubt they have learned some practices to having a strong marriage. I challenge couples to learn all they can from the couple they want to be like. (I did a post about this issue HERE.)
Evaluate often –
Couples should ask themselves often, are we growing together as a couple or further apart? Is the marriage growing stronger or are there holes that need addressing? Don't assume your spouse feels as you do. (I've learned this is especially true for men who often don't know there is a problem until it's a big problem.) Establish the understanding early in the relationship that you have the right to periodically check on the state of your marriage. (Read a post about questions to assess the health of a marriage HERE.)
Put Christ first –
This is the one most couples expect the pastor to say, but it's not just the preacher answer, it's the best secret to a lasting marriage. "A chord of three strands is not easily broken." A couple's individual and collective relationship with Christ will ensure they can endure the hardest days of a marriage. When the relationship with Christ suffers, the marriage will often suffer. Satan looks for any excuse to destroy the marriage. Pour your heart and life into Christ and let Him strengthen and sustain your marriage. (I preached on Christ's standard for marriage HERE.)
That's my list. I'm not sure they apply simply to premarital couples. These are good principles for couples regardless of how long they have been married.
Just so you know, I have, at times, simply shared with them this list. Sometimes I weave them into the discussion. Regardless of how you choose to do it, make sure you are strategic in helping couples begin their married life together.
arriage is hard work. Great marriages are even harder.
I don't know if I'd claim to have a great marriage. My wife reads my blog — some days. (She's the one that finds most of my typos.) And, my wife is the relational queen — the best I've ever seen — so her expectations for relationships are high.
For years working with couples I would ask them how strong their marriage was on a scale of 1 to 10.I just wanted to see where they felt they were and how far apart they were from each other. Almost without exception, the wife had a lower number than the husband. I think that's because the women are usually the more relationally aware than us men. And, frankly, because of that, often having higher expectations for all a marriage could be.
So, while I actually think we have a great marriage — I'm going with good for the purpose of this post.
But, I'm pretty sure she'd say we have a good marriage. (Please say that sweetheart.) And, I'm certain she'd agree we work at being great together — most of the time. (There have been weeks, especially earlier in our marriage, when we seemed to work against each other — but those days are rare now. Thankfully)
Certainly both of us have seen things that don't work — for our marriage and with the hundreds of other marriages we've encountered in ministry. And, we've also witnessed some great marriages. We've made a goal to surround ourselves with people who have marriages that can strengthen our own. One of our best pieces of premarital advice we give is to encourage people to find mentoring couples. It's worked for us too.
So, what are some things that make great marriages soar? What keeps them going? What have we observed? What have we experienced?
Here are a few thoughts.
How great couples make their marriage soar:
Let differences work for them. All couples are made with two different people. No two people in the world are just alike. And, after working with hundreds of couples, I'm convinced opposites often do attract. But, great couples learn to build upon those differences. They build upon each other's strengths and let each other minimize their weaknesses. "Two are better than one" — the author of Ecclesiastes says — and great couples live this truth.
Extend grace for the minor annoyances.
Can we just be honest? People do stuff that gets on our nerves at times. That's true of all of us — even with the people — maybe even especially with the people we love the most. Great couples have learned not to let those little things distract from the major things — like love and commitment.
Serve each other.
There are no 50-50 splits of responsibility in a great marriage. Great couples learn to sacrificially serve one another. In the best relationships, it would be difficult to judge who serves one another more. There may be be times one gives 100%, because the other can't give anything. And there are other times the other spouse gives 100%. And neither complains when it's their turn to give all.
Prioritize their time.
Great couples spend time together. Life is busy for all of us. These couples schedule time together. They find things to do that each of them enjoy. And, they say no to other things that would keep them from having adequate time together.
Keep no secrets.
There are no hidden issues among great couples. They are vulnerable with each other. Both partners open themselves up to the other person completely.
Publicly support each other.
Great couples are supportive of each other in public. They don't tear each other down in public. They handle private issues in private.
Keep no record of wrongs.
Great couples learn to forgive. There aren't any lingering issues that haven't been resolved. I feel the need to emphasize that I'm writing these with the understanding that it takes two people — both committed to making the marriage great — for any of these to work. There are some people who would give anything to make a great marriage, but they are the only part of the couple trying. I get that. A one-sided commitment won't work when attempting to bond two people into one great couple.
But, when two people are willing to work hard — a great marriage is within reach. For all of us.
We are working towards the great marriage. Who is with us?
There are four insurmountable problems no marriage can survive, according to a leading divorce expert.
And just having an affair isn't one of them.
Blogging on the Huffington Post, psychotherapist and author Micki McWade said cheating on a spouse is often just a symptom of one of four deeper underlying issues - issues which, she says, are the ones to ultimately end a marriage.
There are four problems no marriage can survive, according to divorce expert Micki McWade McWade - who describes herself as a collaborative divorce coach, a parent educator and collaborative trainer - outlines these marital dead-ends as: partners ceasing to be partners; chronic complaining and blame-throwing; narcissism and addiction.
She explains...
Ceasing to be partners:
When one partner feels the other is immature, irresponsible, untrustworthy or selfish, the marital dynamic will crumble, destroying intimacy and sexual attraction. One partner will then 'detach'. Domestic abuse is the most extreme version of this.
There's often no turning back from detachment, so it's important to recognize and start marriage counseling before breaking point. A marriage counselor can't manufacture a connection, only strengthen it.
Domestic abuse is the most severe form of 'detachment', when one partner no longer feels equal to the other
Chronic complaining and blame-throwing:
When marital problems are not resolved to the satisfaction of both, resentment builds - and this erodes relationships. Solving a problem by compromise is more important than being 'right'. Individuals who cannot accept accountability are doomed to fail in relationships.
Narcissism:
Everyone is narcissistic to some extent, but this is problematic when partners are unable to empathise with each other and instead compete over issues such as who works harder, who spends more time with the children, who had a tougher day.
When partners don't understand the other's contribution, each assume the other has it easier and neither feels understood.
Addiction:
Addiction will always be an addict's main focus above marriage and family, and their partner will feel angry and embarrassed by their lack of consideration for others.
If a user is unable to give up their habit they will shift blame onto their partner, who may try to hold the relationship together for a while - especially if children are involved - but will eventually give up if there is no recovery.
McWade explains it is important to correct marital issues before they become habitual behaviours and are imposible to change.
She says: 'It's difficult for couples to change long-standing relationship patterns by themselves because people tend to argue for their own points of view. Communication doesn't get anywhere without a neutral perspective. Patterns must be recognized and interrupted.'
You're at an important company board meeting discussing a top secret product development project. If this unique product idea gets leaked to your competitors, the consequences could be dire. The key stakeholders are in the conference room or participating via conference call. The meeting goes well and later you find out your competitor has beat you to market with the same product idea. How could this have happened?
Your business or organization could be the victim of corporate espionage. Someone could be collecting competitive intelligence through unethical means, such as listening devices, video surveillance, or even something as basic as rummaging through your trash. Whether the threat comes from bugging devices at a one-time event, or ongoing surveillance at your corporate site, make sure you are aware of surveillance techniques, find the threats, determine who is behind the intelligence gathering and put systems in place to prevent future breaches.
COMPETITIVE INTELLIGENCE GATHERING
Your competitors and corporate enemies want to know what is said at meetings with shareholders, new business partners or clients or new product development teams. They may be seeking information about your financial outlook, or access to your intellectual property. Some companies will stop at nothing to gain that information and for many reasons, it's easier than ever for them to get it.
Today, surveillance is easier than ever. Advanced wireless devices such as covert listening devices, miniature cameras, concealed, wearable recording devices or hidden micro-cameras are just a click away online and can be very inexpensive. Employees or someone on the cleaning crew could be paid to place a device in a conference room or collect paper trash afterwards, or look for computer passwords left on desks or taped under keyboards. Safeguarding your company secrets requires a preventative approach.
The most common surveillance targets are CEO offices, their private conference rooms, and assistant's work area, since these spaces are the most likely locations for strategic meetings where valuable company information is discussed. These areas should be swept for bugging devices before critical meetings and at regular intervals, based on the level of risk.
TECHNICAL SURVEILLANCE COUNTERMEASURES
If you suspect that someone is obtaining company secrets or you've already experienced a damaging leak of information, we recommend screening for potential threats to prevent further leaks. A TSCM (technical surveillance countermeasure) examination can be performed to look for surveillance equipment or detect other risks. These can be done before an important meeting, at an off-site event, or at your site at regular intervals.
A TSCM examination may include such counter surveillance tactVIS as:
COUNTER SURVEILLANCE TECHNIQUES OFF-SITE
Important business meetings held off-site at hotel convention centers can be easy opportunities for surveillance. Sweeps of the meeting rooms, guest rooms, or bathrooms can be done, and then security staff should maintain custody of the room to ensure the room stays free of bugs until after the meeting. Executive cars can be targeted and especially at risk if using valet parking, as well as executive phones which are susceptible to Trojan horse software that can allow someone to listen in on all the conversations or steal data from email or text messaging.
AFTER THE TSCM EXAMINATION
What happens if listening devices are found during a sweep? If surveillance equipment is found during the TSCM examination, it should not be removed immediately because it can be used as a trap to find out who put it there. The TSCM examination is just the stepping off point for a full analysis and investigation. Suspects need to be interviewed. A full security assessment may be necessary if many problems are found. Systems should be established to prevent this kind of activity. Embedded and dedicated security personnel may be needed to keep security at the forefront of executives' minds, staff who can be there to watch, learn, listen and report on surveillance threats. Everyone in the organization can contribute to prevent leaks. Policies and procedures should be developed and communicated to employees regarding the handling of passwords, access, and confidentiality agreements.
ARE YOU AT RISK OF CORPORATE SURVEILLANCE?
Companies are hungry for that competitive edge that will help crush their competition. They may hire corporate surveillance companies to gather company secrets from their competitors, often through unethical means. Low level employees with low moral or low paid personnel from external maintenance services can be paid off to gather intelligence or plant bugs. Most companies are naive and feel that industrial espionage and surveillance does not happen in real life, it only happens in the movies and "cannot happen here." They feel they can trust all of their employees like family. But all it takes is a hungry competitor and a disgruntled employee passed over for a promotion to initiate the leaking of your company secrets that could be devastating to your business. Then, with the preponderance of equipment easily available, your company's most important information and conversations could get into competitors hands in an instant.
What proprietary business information could cause damage to your company if your competitor was able to listen in on your meetings? Have you done all that you can to protect that information?
The"best interests of the child" is a legal principle that comes up in child custody cases, and it is the main factor that North Carolina judges consider when making child custody determinations. Courts look at a number of factors to determine best interests, though there is no specific list that they must consider. Judges compare the character and lifestyle of each parent or potential custodian in a custody and examine how the child is doing before making a final custody determination.
Judges will examine the entire history of a family if the case is in court for the first time, and if it has already been litigated previously, a judge will consider any recent changes since the last court order was issued. Factors that affect the decision include the child's health and safety, what type of education plan the parent has for a child, if there has been evidence of abuse, the child's relationship with siblings or other relatives in the home and many others. Some states prohibit judges from considering certain factors such as the sex of a parent or income.
In North Carolina, a child's health and safety are primary concerns when a judge is examining whether or not a parent has made "reasonable efforts" to gain custody of their child after the child has been removed by a state agency due to evidence of abuse or neglect in the home. If it is not in the child's best interest to return home, then that child may be placed in a permanent home that is safe for the child.
Before that occurs, parents who have lost custody of their children must be given a fair chance to correct any of the deficiencies that caused the state to become involved. Family law attorneys can be of assistance in this regard.
Child custody is an important aspect of divorce. For many couples, it is the most important aspect of the divorce. This is especially the case when there is a party who has acted abusively to the children or who is unfit to be a parent in some other way. Even when issues such as these do not arise in child custody cases, the fighting can be quite bitter. In many of these cases, a judge's intervention is required to come to some sort of resolution. In some cases, though, couples can benefit from working out their issues in mediation.
Mediation is different from litigation in that it is not considered an adversarial process. Mediation involves working with a neutral third party whose task is to help both parties come to a mutually acceptable agreement on the issues concerning which they are experiencing an impasse. The aim of mediation is to keep the process amicable, which is obviously not the case in the adversarial process.
Parenting agreements are a particularly important aspect of what is dealt with in the mediation process. Because of the nature of mediation, couples have the opportunity to work out an agreement that, while not necessarily perfect, takes both of their interests into account in a way that court ordered agreements usually do not. Mediation is typically significantly less expensive than litigation as well.
North Carolina actually has a program dedicated specifically to helping couples mediate child custody disputes. The North Carolina Child Custody and Visitation Program utilizes professionals skilled in both counseling and the family mediation.
The bottom line is that for couples who are open to the process, mediation can be very beneficial. That said, not all couples are going to be able to resolve their differences in mediation. Consulting an experienced attorney can help give parties a better idea of whether their issues are best resolved in mediation or litigation.
More blogs coming up…